You may find during your fertility journey that you have to deal with tricky questions and invitations to events from friends and family members. Although their support is well-intentioned, sometimes they can miss the mark or be unwittingly insensitive. So, how do you handle your loved ones while you are going through assisted reproductive treatment?
Fielding questions
Parents, siblings, friends and colleagues can be constant reminders of your fertility issues, particularly when they ask that question: “When are you having a baby?” Having a few pre-prepared responses up your sleeve can help take the spotlight off if you find yourself in this situation. These can be blunt and honest, a bit cheeky, or even vague – it all depends on what you’re comfortable with and who’s asking the question. Here’s a list of some of the things you might want to say:
– “Trust me, we’ve been trying!”
– “Thanks for asking, but it’s really none of your business.”
– “Why, do you want to give me one of your kids?”
– “As soon as I figure out how…”
– “We have been trying but are struggling to fall pregnant. I’d rather not talk about it as it is quite a sensitive subject.”
Managing other people’s expectations
Patients undergoing assisted reproductive treatment often find that their family and close friends have assumptions about success and outcomes. Unfortunately, this can leave you managing not only your own expectations but also those of the people around you.
Typically, your family and friends won’t have a great understanding of infertility, its causes and its treatment options. Once you’ve seen your fertility specialist, nurse and counsellor, you will have more knowledge about your situation and treatment plan – so take some time to educate others about what you’ve learnt. Providing this information to your supports can help them keep their expectations in check. This way, they will be able to give you the support you need and not the other way around.
One tip we frequently recommend is to establish boundaries with your support network early. Let them know that you appreciate their love and care during this tricky time but would rather update them when you have news to give instead of answering lots of questions. Some couples even tell their loved ones that no news is bad news. This way they don’t have to update every single person if a disappointing outcome occurs.
Attending social events
Being invited to certain social events can trigger mixed emotions for many people undergoing assisted reproductive treatment. For example, whilst you may feel happy that your friend had a baby, it can also cause very painful feelings of grief and loss. It’s okay to decline invitations to baby showers, birthdays and family gatherings, particularly during the times of your treatment where you feel most vulnerable. There is a difference between self-care and selfish, and prioritising your own needs is especially important when you are trying to have a baby. It may feel uncomfortable at times to say no but try to stay firm and uphold your boundaries if you can. You don’t need to provide a reason for not attending – “I’m sorry I/we can’t make it” is enough.
This doesn’t mean you won’t attend a social event again. Whether you decide to go or not will usually depend on the timing of your treatment or how you’re feeling at the time. Socialising can benefit your emotional health and wellbeing, so instead of cutting all social ties, you might choose to limit the number or type of events you attend.
Talking about your needs
Communicating to your family and friends how they can help and support you during your fertility treatment has its benefits. Most people will want to understand what your needs are, as they may feel stuck or unsure about what the right thing to say or do is. They may even avoid you out of fear of causing offence or making things awkward.
For some of you, this might mean asking a family member to check in with you every few days. For others, it may involve asking for time and space to work through things on your own first. You could even ask your support people to do something nice with you, like popping out for a coffee or going for a walk. If you prefer practical support over emotional support, you can always ask them to give you a lift to your scan or help out with some freezer meals so cooking is one less thing you have to worry about. Whatever your needs are, own them! There is no right or wrong here.
Finding ways to de-stress
Handling conversations about your fertility can be stressful at times. It’s important to allocate enough time to yourself for activities that help take the heat off. This could be as simple as taking a walk, getting stuck into some exercise, or even letting a good book or film distract you. Healthy habits that lift your mood and help you relax are a wonderful way to alleviate stress associated with fertility treatment.
Added support
Assisted reproductive treatment can be a time of stress and heightened emotions. While having your family and friends around you can be key in helping you to cope with this, remember that this is also a time to prioritise yourself. Be your own advocate in this space, communicate your needs and be brave.
The information on this page is general in nature. All medical and surgical procedures have potential benefits and risks. Consult your healthcare professional for medical advice specific to you.
