“So, when are you having a baby?”

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If you’re finding yourself in this situation more and more, it can be helpful to think ahead about how you and your partner (if you have one) might respond. By considering what information you are willing to share with others and who you are happy to share this information with, you’re less likely to feel at sixes and sevens when people raise this topic with you.

And if you do find yourself put on the spot, humour can be a great form of defence. Along these lines, we did some asking around and here are some serious and not-so-serious responses our patients reported giving when they had been confronted with this question in the past:

  • “I don’t know, but I’m starting on my list of free babysitters now. Can I put your name down?”
  • “As soon as I figure out how. Have you got any suggestions?”
  • “I knew there was something I’d forgotten to do!”
  • “I have a cat/dog – that’s enough responsibility for now.”
  • “I don’t know but wouldn’t it be nice if it was sooner rather than later!”
  • “Oh, we’re trying. Every day and twice on Sundays, since you ask.”
  • “We’re focusing on our careers for the next little while, then we’ll think about kids.”
  • “We’d love to have a baby but for whatever reason, it’s not happening for us yet. In the meantime, I’d prefer if you didn’t keep asking me about it. But we’ll be sure to shout it from the rooftops as soon as we are.”
  • “I’m sorry but that’s quite a sensitive issue for me/us. I’d rather not talk about it if that’s okay.”

We also asked these patients what they had found most helpful in terms of dealing with the emotions that these kinds of conversations can trigger. Here are some of their suggestions:

Allow yourself 15 minutes to dwell, then let it go

A common strategy for dealing with any stressful event is to put a time limit on how long you allow yourself to dwell or perseverate on what has happened. So, if you find yourself in this situation, set the timer on your phone for 5, 10 or 15 minutes – whatever you think is reasonable. But when the alarm goes off, do a Taylor Swift and commit to ‘shake it off’. If it helps, give your brain a physical cue to move on and think about something else: push the thoughts away with your hands, vigorously shake your head free of its thoughts, brush the load off your shoulders, dance off the negative vibes around the kitchen bench – then get on with your day.

Use the art of distraction

Distraction is a wonderful way to quickly shift negative or unpleasant thoughts. Immerse yourself in a jigsaw puzzle, watch a movie, try a new recipe, read a book – the task can be joyful or meditative or intensely difficult. It just needs to take you out of the present and transport you to a different place for a little while. This will give you some time out from your thoughts and help you to focus your mind elsewhere.

Find an outlet

Physically, emotions can leave us feeling uptight and strung out. Exercising is a great way to release some of the physical tension and reboot your energy. It also has the additional benefit of stimulating the release of feel-good endorphins, helping to lift your mood in a healthy way.

Or you may prefer to seek comfort in a creative outlet instead. If you like writing, keeping a journal can be a great way to process your feelings and document the ups and downs of your fertility journey. You could also use a journal to keep a list of questions you want to ask your doctor – questions that come to mind in the heat of the moment but you then forget when your thoughts and feelings settle down.

Consider opening up

And last but not least, it can be helpful to remember that people who ask you about having a baby are likely to be well-meaning family or friends who have no intention of hurting your feelings. If you are comfortable doing so, you can use this opportunity to open up and talk to them about your experiences – whether it’s the pressure of trying to fall pregnant, the challenge of dealing with a miscarriage or the loneliness of going through the process by yourself. Talking about your journey and its emotional toll can give people a better understanding of what you are going through. As the old adage goes: a problem shared is a problem halved. Being asked this question might just be the best form of therapy.

Help to fall pregnant

If you are struggling to conceive and would like professional advice on the next best steps to take on your fertility journey, you can make an appointment with one of our fertility specialists by calling Newlife IVF on (03) 8080 8933. You can also book online via our appointments page.

You may also find the following information useful:

Mind-body techniques that can help manage stress during your fertility journey

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How is this related to fertility? Individuals and couples dealing with fertility issues typically experience very high levels of stress and anxiety.1 Unfortunately, studies have shown an association between anxiety, elevations in cortisol (your body’s stress hormone) and fertility problems.2  This suggests that the actual stress of infertility may further hinder an individual’s or couple’s chances of conceiving. Mind-body techniques aim to address the mental and emotional wellbeing of an individual or couple trying to conceive and in doing so, help to reduce any role that stress may be playing in preventing them from falling pregnant.

Before I go on to explain some of the more common mind-body techniques, it’s important to be aware that high-quality evidence to support the use of these techniques in the setting of infertility is currently limited. This is because the effects of how we think and feel on our health can be difficult to measure. However, the research that does exist is certainly thought-provoking. There are also many passionate testimonials from individuals and couples who believe these techniques improved their overall health and wellbeing, and contributed to their success in getting pregnant by helping them to cope better with the challenges they were facing. Thus, while these techniques may not directly improve pregnancy rates, fertility specialists often offer them as an adjunct to other treatment in order to help patients/couples better manage the emotional toll and relationship stresses of fertility treatment, including IVF.

Some of the more popular techniques include:

1. Relaxation training

These techniques involve refocusing your attention on something that is calming to help relax the mind and body. There are many ways to achieve this, including breathing exercises, mindfulness, meditation and progressive muscle relaxation. These techniques have been linked to reduced negative emotions in a range of patients, and more specifically, have been shown to reduce levels of anxiety in women undergoing fertility treatment.3 They are a good option because they can be practised almost anywhere and at little or no cost.

2. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

CBT is a form of psychotherapy (‘talking therapy’) that focuses on how our thoughts influence how we feel and what we do. It involves helping the patient to recognise negative and often repetitive thought patterns like “I can’t have a baby” or “It’s my fault that we aren’t conceiving”, and challenging them. In doing so, it encourages the individual to assess how realistic or rational their thoughts are, to be aware of the impact their thoughts may be having on how they are feeling, and to try and replace these thoughts with more helpful, positive ways of thinking. CBT may not directly change your ability to conceive but it may help to improve your perspective on the challenges you are facing and your overall outlook – thereby reducing stress and anxiety.4

3. Mindfulness

Mindfulness refers to a state in which we are able to maintain a very clear focus on our present thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. It teaches us to be ‘in the moment’, so that we are less overwhelmed by past experiences and future concerns. A recent study demonstrated higher rates of pregnancy with IVF when women practised mindfulness, compared to those who did not.5  There is also strong evidence that mindfulness-based stress reduction can lower the levels of stress hormones in our body, and that being ‘more present’ can help a woman to better frame and process her experiences with fertility treatment.6

4. Social support

Infertility is often a silent struggle and despite its prevalence, many women choose not to share their story with friends or family. If you are experiencing this, it can be helpful to identify someone who can empathise with you and provide a healthy outlet for any confusion and sadness you may be feeling. Social support has been found to be particularly helpful in cases where women are feeling isolated as a result of their infertility. There are now also many organised groups where people with fertility issues can come together to discuss and share their experiences, including face-to-face groups, peer support programs and online discussion forums. There is good evidence that participating in support groups can reduce distress and anxiety, improving both your quality of life and chances of pregnancy.3

5. Exercise

It is well recognised that physical activity can reap huge emotional benefits through the release of ‘feel-good’ hormones called endorphins. These hormones can act as both a pain reliever and happiness booster. Australian guidelines recommend at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity, such as walking or dancing, on most days of the week. If possible, some vigorous exercise, like cycling or running, should be performed at least once a week. Research into the effects of exercise on fertility has found that moderate exercise decreases the risk of miscarriage and increases the chances of conceiving in women undergoing assisted reproductive technology.7 Vigorous exercise has also been shown to reduce the risk of ovulation problems.7 Regular exercise can also lead to weight loss, which can help improve fertility if you are carrying extra weight.8

In conclusion, while further research is clearly needed in this area, using mind-body techniques throughout your fertility journey can certainly contribute to your physical and mental wellbeing as you strive to become pregnant. Here at Newlife IVF, we aim to provide individuals and couples with a genuinely supportive experience as they undergo fertility treatment. Our class-leading IVF counsellors are also available to meet with patients 1:1 and/or in organised group sessions over the course of their treatment journey. To make an appointment with one of our fertility specialists or to get a second opinion, call Newlife IVF on (03) 8080 8933. Alternatively, you can book online via our appointments page.

References

  1. Lakatos E et al. BMC Womens Health2017;17:48.
  2. Cwikel J et al. Eur J Obstet Gynecol Reprod Biol2004;117:126–131.
  3. Domar AD et al.Health Psychol 2000;19:568–575.
  4. Faramarzi et al. Int J Fertil Steril 2013;7:199–206.
  5. Li J et al.Behav Res Ther 2016;77:96–104.
  6. Nery SF et al. Stress Health2019;35:49–58.
  7. Homan G, Norman RJ Hum Reprod2012;27:2396–2404.
  8. Best D et al. Hum Reprod Update 2017;26(6):681–705.